The Diotrephes Syndrome: When One Person Wants to Run the Show

Every pastor has met him. Every church has dealt with her. The member who acts like they own the place. The family that blocks every new idea unless it came from them. The elder who treats the church like a personal kingdom instead of the body of Christ.

The apostle John met him too. His name was Diotrephes.

And what John wrote about this first-century church boss is still the clearest instruction we have for dealing with the controlling person who wants to run the show.

His name literally means "nourished by Zeus." That tells you something about his background: Greek culture, pagan roots, maybe a family proud of their heritage and status. But here's the heartbreak: Diotrephes had a name that pointed to false gods, and he lived like he didn't know the true one.

John doesn't sugarcoat it. This wasn't a personality clash. This wasn't a disagreement over worship style or building plans. This was spiritual cancer.

Diotrephes loved to be first. He rejected apostolic authority. He slandered faithful servants. He slammed the door on missionaries and threw out anyone who dared welcome them.

John uses a word here that appears nowhere else in the New Testament that means "loving to be first" or "craving preeminence."

This isn't about being gifted or taking initiative. This is about someone whose identity is wrapped up in being in charge. They don't just want to serve: they need to be seen as indispensable. They don't just want to lead: they need to control who else gets to speak, who gets welcomed, and who gets shown the door.

And here's the thing: Diotrephes wasn't some fringe troublemaker. He held a position of influence. People listened to him. He had the power to excommunicate faithful believers: and he used it.

This is what makes the Diotrephes Syndrome so dangerous. It hides behind titles, tenure, and tradition.

You've seen it. Maybe you've experienced it.

The elder who refuses correction because "I've been here longer than anyone."

The family that threatens to leave (and take their tithe) if the pastor doesn't do things their way.

The board member who badmouths the leadership team in parking lot conversations and prayer meeting gossip.

The volunteer coordinator who makes sure no one else gets a platform unless they pass her approval process first.

Here's what Diotrephes-style control does to a church:

It rejects biblical authority. Diotrephes wouldn't even receive John's letters. Today's version ignores Scripture when it contradicts personal preference. "I know what the Bible says, but in our church, we do it this way."

It spreads slander. John says Diotrephes was "prating against us with malicious words." The Greek word means talking nonsense: empty, baseless accusations designed to destroy reputations. Sound familiar?

It isolates the faithful. Diotrephes didn't just refuse hospitality to traveling ministers: he excommunicated anyone who tried to welcome them. Control works by cutting off connection. If you can't let people hear other voices, you can dominate the narrative.

It makes the church about one person instead of Christ. When someone has to be the gatekeeper, the decision-maker, the one whose approval matters most, Jesus gets pushed to the side.

Chuck Swindoll calls it the "Diotrephes Syndrome": and he's right. It's a sickness. It spreads. And if it's not dealt with, it kills churches.

Here's where we have to be both grace-filled and courageous. John doesn't say, "Just love him and hope he changes." He says, "If I come, I will remember his deeds."

There's a time for confrontation.

First, recognize the fruit. Jesus said you'll know them by their fruit (Matthew 7:20). Is this person producing humility, hospitality, and cooperation: or pride, division, and control? Gifting doesn't equal godliness. A charming personality isn't the same as Christ-likeness.

Second, address it directly. Follow Matthew 18. Go to the person. If they won't listen, take witnesses. If they still refuse correction, bring it before the church leadership. This isn't gossip: it's biblical accountability.

Third, protect the flock. Paul told Titus to reject a divisive person after two warnings (Titus 3:10). Peter told elders not to lord it over the flock (1 Peter 5:3). Leadership isn't about control: it's about service. And if someone refuses to lead like Jesus, they forfeit the privilege of leading at all.

Fourth, promote servant leadership. The best defense against a Diotrephes is a culture of shared, humble, biblical leadership. No one person should have unchecked power. Plurality protects against pride.

Here's what Jesus said:

John doesn't just call out the bad example. He lifts up the good one.

In the same letter, he commends Gaius: a man who welcomed missionaries, supported gospel work, and walked in truth. Gaius didn't need the spotlight. He didn't demand first place. He just faithfully served and opened his home.

That's the model.

Not the person who has to run everything. The person who quietly, consistently, joyfully serves and lets God get the glory.

We need more Gaiuses. And we need fewer Diotrephes-types controlling our churches.

If you're a pastor or elder dealing with a controlling member, don't lose heart. You're not the first. John faced it. Paul faced it. Jesus faced it. And the Bible gives you both permission and instruction to protect the flock.

Learn more about leading with grace instead of guilt here.

Here's how John wraps it up:

John doesn't say Diotrephes lost his salvation. He says his behavior shows he hasn't truly seen God. You can hold a position in the church and still be blind to Jesus.

But here's the grace: the call isn't to destroy Diotrephes. It's to not imitate him.

Don't become what you're fighting. Don't respond to control with control. Don't meet slander with slander.

Imitate what is good. Serve like Gaius. Lead like Jesus. Walk in truth. Extend hospitality. Support God's work. And when correction is necessary, do it with courage and love: not spite.

The church doesn't need more bosses. It needs more servants.

And the beautiful truth is this: God doesn't measure your ministry by how much control you have. He measures it by how much you love.

If you've been hurt by a Diotrephes-type leader, I'm sorry. If you've been pushed out, slandered, or silenced, I see you. And I want you to know: that's not the heart of Jesus. That's not how His kingdom works.

You are not called to perform for approval. You are not called to compete for position. You are called to rest in His love and serve from that place.

You can read more about finding freedom from performance-driven faith here.

Q: What if the controlling person is a long-time member or elder?

Tenure doesn't equal authority. The Bible is clear: leaders are accountable to Scripture and to one another. If someone is acting like Diotrephes: rejecting biblical correction, slandering others, and dividing the church: their position doesn't protect them. Follow Matthew 18 and address it directly, with witnesses if needed.

Q: How do I know if I'm dealing with a Diotrephes or just a strong personality?

Look at the fruit. A strong leader serves others, submits to biblical authority, and welcomes input. A Diotrephes-type leader demands control, resists correction, and punishes those who disagree. One builds up the body; the other tears it apart.

Q: Should I leave a church with a controlling leader?

Pray first. If leadership won't address the issue and you've followed biblical steps, sometimes the healthiest choice is to find a church where servant leadership is modeled. God doesn't call you to stay in toxic environments indefinitely. Protect your heart and your family.

For more grace-centered leadership encouragement, check out the Followed by Mercy podcast or visit my YouTube channel @waustingardner.