How to Handle a 'Church Boss' Without Losing Your Soul

You know the type.

That one person in your church who has to approve everything. Who shows up at every committee meeting. Who makes it clear, sometimes with a smile, sometimes without, that nothing happens unless they say so.

Maybe it's a family. Maybe it's a single elder who's been there since the building was built. Maybe it's someone whose name is on a plaque in the lobby.

And maybe you're wondering: How do I lead in this? How do I love them and still protect the church?

I've been in ministry for over fifty years. I've seen this pattern play out in small country churches and large city congregations. I've watched faithful pastors burn out trying to navigate it. I've also seen churches stay healthy because someone had the courage to address it biblically.

Here's the truth: the Bible already dealt with this problem. And it didn't sugarcoat it.

In the tiny letter of 3 John, the apostle John writes about a man named Diotrephes. Listen to how John describes him:

Diotrephes loved being first. He rejected apostolic authority. He spread slander. He refused to welcome traveling teachers and missionaries. And when others tried to show hospitality? He kicked them out.

This wasn't just a personality conflict. This was spiritual cancer.

His name literally means "nourished by Jupiter." And his behavior proved it, he fed on power, not service. He saw other leaders as threats, not co-workers.

John didn't ignore it. He didn't pray vague prayers and hope it worked itself out. He said, "If I come, I will call attention to what he is doing."

That's step one.

You can't love someone into health if you won't tell them the truth.

Silence isn't peace. Silence is permission.

When someone in your church consistently controls, manipulates, or dominates, when they reject godly counsel, spread gossip, or punish those who disagree, ignoring it doesn't protect unity. It destroys it.

Matthew 18:15-17 gives us the framework:

This isn't harsh. This is love with backbone.

You start private. You go gentle. But you go.

And if they won't listen, you don't just drop it. You bring others. You escalate for the sake of the body, not your reputation.

I know that's hard. I know it feels easier to just work around them. But that's not biblical leadership. That's conflict avoidance dressed up as grace.

True grace tells the truth. It just does it kindly.

Here's the thing: Diotrephes could only function because the church let him.

The New Testament never gives us a picture of one person running the show. Not once.

Look at Acts 14:23. Paul and Barnabas appointed elders, plural, in every church. Philippians 1:1 addresses "bishops and deacons", again, plural. First Peter 5:1 tells fellow elders how to lead.

The church is a body. Not a business with a CEO. Not a kingdom with a king.

When we let one person or one family control everything, we're not being humble. We're being lazy. Or scared. Or both.

Healthy churches have shared leadership. They have accountability. They have people who can say "no" to each other without fear of being thrown out.

If your church board meetings feel like hostage negotiations, something is deeply wrong.

And if you're the pastor or leader trying to navigate that, let me say this gently: you might need to address the structure, not just the personality.

Sometimes the problem isn't that someone is too controlling. It's that the system allows them to be.

Right after John talks about Diotrephes, he pivots.

John doesn't just call out the bad. He points to the good.

Earlier in the letter, he commends Gaius: a man who welcomed traveling ministers, supported the work of the gospel, and walked in truth. Gaius didn't control. He contributed.

That's the kind of leader every church needs.

Not someone who has to have their name on everything. Not someone who sees cooperation as competition. But someone who serves, supports, and steps back when needed.

Here's a test for anyone in leadership (myself included): when someone else gets honored, do you celebrate or do you sulk?

When another ministry succeeds, do you thank God or do you feel threatened?

If you're constantly needing to be first, you haven't seen God. Not really. Because when you see Him, you realize how small you are: and how freeing that is.

The goal isn't to be the biggest leader in the room. The goal is to make sure Jesus is.

One of the saddest things I've seen in ministry is leaders who can't work together.

Pastors who won't share their pulpits. Elders who undermine each other. Ministries that refuse to collaborate because they're afraid of losing donors or attention.

That's Diotrephes all over again.

But here's what I've learned after decades in the field: the kingdom is too big for your ego and too important for your insecurity.

God didn't call you to build your brand. He called you to build His church.

And sometimes that means celebrating someone else's win. Sometimes it means letting a younger leader get the credit. Sometimes it means supporting a ministry that isn't under your control.

Humility isn't weakness. Humility is strength that doesn't need to prove itself.

If you're in a church where the leadership team operates like a royal court instead of a band of brothers, something needs to change. And it starts with remembering that we all serve the same King.

We're not rivals. We're reinforcements.

For a deeper look at how God's unconditional love frees us from performance-based ministry, check out The Big Leap of Faith. It's a game-changer for anyone stuck in the cycle of trying to prove their worth.

Maybe you're reading this and you're not the pastor. You're the volunteer who got shut down. The deacon who got silenced. The person who suggested a new idea and got told, "We don't do it that way."

Here's my advice:

Pray first. Ask God to show you if there's any pride or bitterness in your own heart. Sometimes we see control in others because we want control ourselves.

Speak second. If it's a real issue, address it privately and respectfully. Use Matthew 18. Bring facts, not feelings.

Protect third. If someone is abusive, manipulative, or slanderous, you don't have to keep subjecting yourself to it. Healthy boundaries aren't unbiblical. They're wise.

And if the church refuses to deal with it? You might need to ask God if He's calling you somewhere healthier.

I know that's hard. I know it feels like giving up. But staying in a toxic system and calling it faithfulness isn't noble. It's just exhausting.

God doesn't want you to lose your soul trying to save a structure.

At the end of the day, this isn't really about Diotrephes. It's about what kind of church we want to be.

Do we want to be a place where one voice drowns out everyone else? Or do we want to be a body where every member matters?

Do we want leaders who love being first? Or do we want leaders who love being faithful?

The choice is ours. And it starts with imitating what is good.

God's love for you isn't based on your position, your tenure, or your influence. It's based on His covenant faithfulness. You are loved, seen, and valued: not because of what you control, but because of who He is.

And when you really believe that, you stop needing to be in charge of everything.

You start serving. You start trusting. You start celebrating when others win.

Because you're not building a kingdom. You're part of one.

What if the controlling person is the senior pastor?

That's one of the toughest situations. If the pastor refuses accountability and there's no elder board to address it, you may need to reach out to a denominational authority or a trusted outside ministry leader. Pray for wisdom, document concerns clearly, and avoid gossip. If the situation is abusive or unbiblical, God may be calling you to protect yourself and your family by finding a healthier church home.

How do I know if I'm the problem?

Ask trusted, mature believers who will tell you the truth. If multiple people have said you're controlling, dismissive, or domineering: listen. Pride blinds us to our own faults. Humble yourself, repent if needed, and ask God to show you how to lead like Jesus: with gentleness, patience, and love.

Can a church recover after dealing with a controlling leader?

Absolutely. I've seen it happen. It takes time, humility, and often outside help: but God specializes in restoration. Focus on rebuilding trust, establishing healthy leadership structures, and returning to Scripture as your foundation. The church that survives this kind of trial often becomes stronger and more unified than before.